LADY Grundi dragged me kicking and screaming down to that London at the weekend to watch Aunt Lizzie’s Diamond Jubilee flotilla on the Thames.
By rights we should have been on one of those boats, stood at the very front of the bow, arms stretched out like Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslett in Titanic.
Grundi, the King of the World.
But it wasn’t to be. Our monarch has obviously still not forgiven me for that incident with the corgi at Sandringham back in 1996 (it was an accident!).
I tried telling Lady Grundi that standing on the banks of the Thames watching on was a very poor substitute to actually being part of the flotilla.
It’s like the bit at the end of Bullseye where Jim Bowen tells the hapless loser ‘Now let’s have a look at what you could have won...’ Rubbing salt in the wounds.
But my protests fell on deaf ears. Lady Grundi is a very strident woman, and she loves all that pomp and pageantry, so she got her own way.
I know most of you have never left Worksop and I bet you’re dying to ask me ‘What’s that London like, Grundi?’
Well, this was my first visit to the capital for a few years, and let me tell you, it’s now an absolute dump.
Clogged up with traffic and choking pollution, and most of the modern so-called ‘architecture’ is absolutely hideous.
Added to that hardly anyone speaks English, and the few that do talk in a complicated rhyming slang that makes little sense.
Also, everything is about 10 times more expensive than it is in Worksop.
As for the pageant itself, it was a revolting experience.
We got soaked to the bone, and it wasn’t until we got back to our suite at The Dorchester that we got any feeling back into our freezing hands and feet.
Because we hadn’t camped out since 4am like crazed Royal stalkers we could hardly see anything due the sea of heads in front of us.
The public toilets were disgusting which was a major issue for yours truly due to the immense pressure on my bladder caused by vast quantities of Bollinger.
Should have stayed at home and watched it on telly.