Mash Report star says just pretend Brexit is over and it ended how you wanted it

Steve N Allen
Steve N Allen

I thought I could do it, writes Steve N Allen.

I thought I could keep my head down, write jokes, or whatever I do, and I would not have to deal with Brexit.

We were nearly there!

My Halloween stash of sweets and chocolate was going to double as my Brexit stockpile and I was sorted.

Now it seems that, just like the DFS sale, Brexit isn’t ending when they said it would.

Never fear, I’m here to help with my essential guide to dealing with a Brexit delay.

Firstly, relax, it’s s not the first time we’ve been through this.

It might not be the last either.

If you’re a remainer, why not head to Dover?

There are queues there anyway.

Just claim they’re being caused by Brexit and you’ll be happy.

Go into a local pharmacy at peak time and be angry at how long you had to wait for medicine.

READ MORE: Brexit could learn lessons from Boaty McBoatface.

If you’re a leaver you can do the same too.

Simply pretend that Brexit has already happened.

If you’re travelling to Europe make sure you do a Su Doku beforehand.

Getting used to filling in hard and pointless paperwork will really give you the feeling that Britain has already left

You don’t have to wait for the World Trade Organisation to add tariffs to things, do you?

Take back control and pay extra.

If you haven’t already started paying more for lamb, you’ve been missing out on showing how well things will go even with a no deal exit.

At this point, you’re thinking ‘Steve, you’re talking a lot of sense as usual, but even if we pretend that Brexit has actually happened, we will read in the news about the MPs spending alltheir time arguing about it’.

And to that I say, ‘yes’.

And that’s exactly what life will still be like when we’ve actually left.

Steve N Allen is a comedian and broadcaster who was raised in Sutton-in-Ashfield. He stars in The Mash Report on BBC2.