Fifty shades of A.A. Grundi

IMAGINE if men in workplaces around the land were inconspicuously passing around a top shelf magazine.

There would be outrage, followed by disciplinary tribunals, all sorts.

The women’s libbers would be up in arms, railing against this blatant sexism and exploitation of women.

Yet flip the situation on its head and the whole thing is celebrated.

It seems that every single woman in the country is currently getting hot under the collar over the literary sensation of the century - the tale of a manipulative billionaire with a sadistic streak.

No, it’s not my life story, but Fifty Shades of Grey, and everyone, it seems, is talking about it.

I’ve read excerpts, and the thing is pure filth, every bit as sordid and seedy as the glossy magazines lonely men flick through in their bedsits.

I’ve not seen Lady Grundi looking so hot and bothered since those Diet Coke ads of the 1990s.

I’d never even heard of it until a few weeks ago, but now everywhere I go people are talking about it, and I’m sick to the back teeth of it.

This blasted book first invaded my life a few weeks ago, when Lady Grundi started to act very strangely.

The first clue that something fishy was going on was when she started retiring to her quarters earlier than usual.

When I pressed her on the matter, she’d get all sheepish and reply that she was just ‘feeling tired’.

Initially, I accepted that explanation. After all, women of Lady Grundi’s age are prone to ‘hot flushes’ and the like.

But as her behaviour became ever more suspicious I confronted her and she spilled the beans.

My wife, along with the wives of millions of other men, had been spending her spare time with this Christian Grey fella.

It turns out she’d been egged on by one of her lunch chums who’d lent her a copy of what is apparently the fastest selling paperback of all time.

A copy is being passed around among the women at the Guardian office like a funny cigarette at Woodstock.

Word has it that a Worksop sex shop has seen a boom in business since this phenomenon emerged.

Apparently sales of bondage gear and the like have gone through the roof recently.

Might be time for me to dust off my gimp outfit.