They always say when you check into a hotel that the first thing you should do is familiarise yourself with the fire escapes and health and safety information.
I see things slightly differently.
My first task is usually to plug in every single electrical item in my possession.
Lap top, phone, tablet, Lady Grundi’s hair drier and curling tongs all get charged up. Then I tend to put the kettle on and attempt to get every single sachet of coffee on offer in one mug while stuffing the other with Twinings tea bags.
All while munching on the complimentary Highland shortbread.
Then it’s time to call reception and annoy them by making completely spurious complaints about the facilities.
I really am a terrible man.
But I think it’s fair to say that most people behave differently when they enter a hotel than in any other situation.
Where else would you be so lazy as to use a lift to go up one floor?
And where else would you even contemplate drinking grapefruit juice?
Surely no one ever even considers sipping on chilled grapefruit in any other situation than a free hotel breakfast? It’s more sour and unpleasant than a school receptionist.
In fact the breakfast buffet is an example on its own.
If raiding a table of bacon, sausages, toast and juices was an Olympic sport Britain would never be beaten.
People take the buffet very seriously indeed. They’re supposed to be on holiday but they’re up at six to get a head start.
I’ll wager some starve themselves the night before so they can cram as much down their gullets as physically possible.
And as for my ritual on a hotel departure? Cram any free toiletries in a carrier bag and never, ever leave the room until 11.59am.